I Writes Batter Then Yoo: Books to Improve Your English

Finnegans Wake, p.1
Finnegans Wake, p.1

As any good narcissist will tell you, without a proper command of language, it's extremely difficult to prove how much better you are than everybody else. All it takes is one misspelling, one poor pronunciation or even just one dull sentence, and within a matter of seconds, you're an average schlub again, waiting in line for groceries with the rest of the proles. But there's no need to fear. With the help of a few library books, your English can be flawless, and your smug sense of superiority will remain forever intact.

Accomodating Brocolli in the Cemetary, Or, Why Can't Anybody Spell? is a joyful romp through the vagaries of English spelling. Rather than compile a dry list of errors and corrections, Vivian Cook fills each page with trivia, quizzes, pictures of misspelled signs, entertaining asides, passages from famous authors and a healthy sense of humor. Whether you're looking to improve your spelling or just want to indulge your nascent obsessive-compulsive disorder, this book is a sure bet.

The Big Book of Beastly Mispronunciations is a proudly fastidious guide to the pronunciations of more than one thousand words. If a three-page discussion of the word Moscow is your thing, or if an extended rant on the proper pronunciation of library makes your hair stand on end, you're in for a treat.

Now that you can spell like a champ and elocute like Professor Higgins, you need to find some words worth saying. Better Than Great, according to its subtitle, is a plenitudinous compendium of wallopingly fresh superlatives. No longer need you rely on good, nice or neat. Now you can slay the abominable awesome and praise to high heavens the hallowed, magisterial and gobsmacking things in your life.

With books like these under your belt, you'll be turning up your nose at the teeming, uneducated masses in no time flat.